


This is me trying

by wishfulwriter



Category: The Queen's Gambit (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:35:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulwriter/pseuds/wishfulwriter
Summary: Benny Watts and Josephine Howard used to be the power couple of the chess world until she disappeared. It’s four years later when the two run into each other again as Josephine tries to find her way back.
Relationships: Benny Watts/Original Female Character(s), Beth Harmon & Benny Watts
Comments: 26
Kudos: 117





	1. "Look who's back."

Benny saunters into the hotel lobby with his usual confidence as his eyes move around the room to see if there’s anyone he knows, but he stops dead in his tracks when he spots a familiair face at the reception. It’s a face he hasn’t seen in about four years and one he definitely didn’t expect to see at a chess tournament again. He clenches his jaw as he thinks back of the last time he saw her. She told him she was leaving, both the chess world and him. He thought she meant forever, but there she is looking more beautiful than he can remember, which he honestly didn’t think was possible. Benny shakes his head to get rid of those thoughts. He can’t afford to think of her like that, he’ll only end up getting hurt again. So he forces his face back into its usual cocky expression and makes his way over.

“Look who’s back.” Benny casually remarks as he stops a few steps away from her. He’s pleased to see her tense up at the sound of his voice, happy he still has an effect on her. It’s not something he should be this happy about considering the fact that he promised himself he would never go back there.

“Benny Watts.” His name falls off her lips as she turns to face him. She didn’t expect to see him here. His name isn’t on the list of competitors, she double checked that because she was really hoping to avoid him for a little longer. She knows it would have been impossible to avoid him completely if she wanted to get back into competitive chess, but she didn’t plan on running into him at her first tournament back. He caught her off guard by showing up here and she can’t have that around him. “It’s been a long time. Are you playing?” She asks even though she already knows he’s not.

Benny shakes his head. “Just here to see some friends.” He tells her as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his coat. She can still remember when he got that coat. He was still a teenager and thought it would make him look older. She had tried to tell him it had the opposite effect, but he insisted on wearing it wherever he went. “I didn’t know you were playing. I thought you’d sworn off chess.”

“So did I.” She breaths out as her eyes move to the room key in her hand. “I guess we were both wrong about that.” She tries to lighten the mood and sends him a smile as she lifts her head to look at him again. It feels strange to be standing so far away from him. She used to be glued to his side, leaning against him as he slung his arm over her shoulder, but now there’s distance between them on more than one level.

She watches as Benny opens his mouth to say something, but he’s interrupted by someone calling his name “Benny, you made it.” Beth Harmon walks up to them with a smile. “The weather has been so horrible I thought you might have backed out of driving all the way here.” She adds as she gives him a quick hug. When she pulls away from Benny she notices the woman still standing there. “Oh, hello.” Beth says as she turns to face the unknown female.

“Right.” Benny clears his throat. “Beth this is Josephine Howard. Jo this is Beth Harmon.” He introduces the two women to each other and inwardly curses himself for using Josephine’s nickname. Now Beth will no doubt grill him on his relationship with her.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Josephine says as she holds out her hand towards Beth, who reaches out to shake it. “I’m a big fan.” She adds.

“Oh thank you.” Beth smiles again and then her eyes move to the small suitcase on the ground next to Josephine’s feet and the room key in her hand. “Are you here for the tournament?” She asks and Josephine nods. “As a player or a spectator?” Beth asks. The name Josephine Howard sounds so familiar but Beth can’t recall how she knows it.

Josephine can feel Benny’s eyes on her after Beth asks the question. He’s no doubt wondering the same thing. “I’m playing. It’s my first tournament back actually.” She says and Beth’s eyes widen when she suddenly remembers why Josephines name sounded so familiar.

“Of course.” The red head breaths out. “I knew your name sounded familiar.” She adds. “I can’t believe I didn’t immediately realise. I mean, you’re the only other female player I’ve ever heard of.” Beth shakes her head, not believing she didn’t recognise the name before. “I thought you didn’t play anymore?” Beth asks. “Man, if I had known Benny knew you I would have asked him to introduce us a long time ago.” She goes on as she gets more enthusiastic now that she realises who she’s talking to.

Benny understands Beth’s enthusiasm. Josephine was one of the two best players in the US a few years ago, the other best player being Benny himself of course. Josephine is also the only good female player Beth has ever encountered at a tournament, so he really can’t fault her for being excited but he’s not sure how to act around Josephine after all this time and he really wants to head up to his room to get away from it all.

“I had to take some time off.” Josephine smiles at Beth, but Benny can see it’s forced and he frowns at her words. She never did tell him the exact reason she left. “I haven’t played against actual opponents in a while, so I don’t expect to perform like I used to.” She explains.

“With talent like yours it’ll only take a few games to get back into it.” The words leave Benny’s mouth before he can stop them and Josephine’s eyes lock onto his. He knows he should look away, he can’t fall for her again, but he can’t get himself to do so. He meant what he said. She’s incredibly talented and he’s certain the final match will be between the two women standing there with him.

“We’ll see.” Josephine says softly as she keeps eye contact with Benny for a moment longer before she looks down to her suitcase and picking it up. “Well, it was lovely to meet you.” She says as she smiles at Beth. “But I should get up to my room.” She gestures towards the elevator. “I’m sure we’ll see each other around.”

Benny nods and is about to say he should check in when Beth speaks up again. “Oh you should join us for dinner tonight.” She suggests and Benny only just manages to stop himself from glaring at her. “A bunch of us are meeting up.”

“That’s very kind of you, but I don’t want to intrude.” Josephine answers. She can tell by the look on Benny’s face that he doesn’t want her to join them and she can’t really blame him. She left him without a proper explanation, so he has every right to dislike her. “Besides, I should really study if I want to stand a chance this weekend.”


	2. "You're a coward."

Beth arrives at the hotel restaurant before Benny and quickly makes her way to the table where the other’s are already sitting. She’s hoping they will be able to tell her a bit more about Benny’s relationship with Josephine. She tried to ask him earlier after Josephine went up to her room, but he wouldn’t tell her anything other than the fact that he has known Josephine since they first met at a chess tournament when he was fourteen and she was twelve.

“Hey, boys.” Beth smiles as she reaches the table. She gets similar greeting form Matt, Mike and Townes, who is there to write about the tournament. “There’s something I need to talk to you about before Benny gets here.” She dives straight in and they all look at her with curious faces. “What happened between him and Josephine Howard? I met her earlier today and it looks like there’s history there, but Benny won’t tell me anything.”

Matt and Mike share a look before Mike turns to face her. “Benny and Josephine have known each other for ages. They were really close and then she just disappeared.” He tells her. “No one really knows why.” He shrugs.

Beth frowns, the answer doesn’t satisfy her curiosity so she gives the boys a questioning look. “You say they were close?” She asks and Matt and Mike both nod. “How close?”

Another look is shared between the twins, but this time it’s Townes that speaks up. “They were a couple for a few years before she left the chess world.” He says and Beth gives him a look to encourage him to go on. “I don’t know what caused her to leave but any time someone asked Benny about it in an interview he shot them down, so I don’t think they ended on good terms.”

Beth still isn’t completely satisfied, but she can’t ask anything else because Benny joins them soon after and the conversation drifts to other subjects. She doesn’t plan on letting it go though. Tomorrow she will talk to Josephine, maybe she’ll be willing to tell her a little more.

*****

Josephine stands at the entrance to the hall where the tournament is being held. Her eyes move over the seemingly endless sea of tables and chess boards as the other players start making their way to their places. When she signed herself up she really thought she could do it, that she could come back, but now she’s not so sure anymore. Panic starts to rise as she realises that it’s real, she’s really back here. The feeling is overwhelming as the memories come back. Her breathing quickens and her eyes get watery as her mind goes back to that day four years ago. She feels like she can’t breath and she has to get out of the room, so she quickly turns around and walks away.

In her panicked state Josephine isn’t looking where’s she’s going, but right before she bumps into someone a familiar voice stops her. “Running away again?” She stops dead in her tracks when Benny’s words reach her ears and the person she nearly ran into steps around her. Benny is wearing his usual smug expression, but there’s a hard undertone to his voice and his words hurt. She knows he’s right. She ran away four years ago and she’s running away now.

Benny frowns when she doesn’t respond. She’s not as much of a talker as he is, but when it’s the two of them she always had a comeback ready, so it’s strange to just see her standing there. He’s about to leave it and walk away when he hears her sniffle. The frown on his face deepens and he knows he should walk away. If he gets involved now he’ll end up breaking his heart even further, but he can’t help himself.

“Josephine?” He asks softly as he steps closer. “Are you okay?” He presses and he knows it’s a stupid question now that he’s standing close enough to see her shoulders shake and hear how heavy she’s breathing. Benny is also very aware of the fact that people are now staring at them and he knows that’s the last thing she’ll want, so after another moment of hesitation he carefully places a hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the prying eyes to a quiet corner of the lobby where he stands in such a way that he’s somewhat shielding her from anyone that might try to take a look.

He’s not sure what to do to calm her down. He only knows how to comfort her like he did when they were a couple, but he can’t do that anymore. What he doesn’t realise is that he’s already done enough. His voice snapped her out of her panic and caused her to stop walking earlier, and by bringing her to a quiet corner she feels like he has made it easier for her to breath. It takes her a minute or two to get her breathing back in check and when she does she looks up at him. “Thank you.” She says softly.

Her words catch him off guard since he doesn’t feel like he has actually done something to help her, but regardless of that he answers with “Of course.” They stand there for a moment longer just looking at each other before he speaks up again. “Are you pulling out of the tournament?”

Josephine’s eyes move to somewhere behind him when she speaks. “I just-“ She starts, but cuts herself off again with a shake of her head. “I don’t think I can do it.” She breaths out. Benny frowns once again and he’s about to ask her why she can’t do it when she speaks up again. “But I really shouldn’t bother you with this.” She says sadly as her eyes move back to his. “You’ve already been a lot kinder to me than I deserve after the way I treated you.” She tells him and now it’s his turn to look away. “I’m so sorry, Benny. I know that doesn’t make up for what I did, but I really am.”

Benny purses his lips and slowly nods his head. “You’re right, it doesn’t make up for it.” He tells her as he looks at her again. “Especially not if you’re leaving again.” He raises his voice slightly as the anger and confusion about what happened come back to the surface. “With the same stupid reason as well.” He scoffs as he remembers that she told him she just couldn’t do it back then as well. “The girl I met all those years ago wasn’t scared of anything, but you.” He shakes his head as he looks her up and down. “You’re a coward.” He all but spits the words into her face and quickly walks away afterwards, knowing he will crumble if he sees how much his words hurt her.


	3. “That’s what happened."

After taking a moment to breathe, Benny had made his way into the hall where he joined Townes at the table where Beth is playing. Just as he finally manages to push the talk with Josephine to the back of his mind for the time being and focus on the game, his attention is pulled away again as whispers start among the spectators. He frowns and looks at Townes to see if he knows what’s going on. “Why is everyone whispering?” He asks.

Townes doesn’t say anything, but he points his pencil in the direction of a table on the other side of the room, where Josephine just sits down and says something to her opponent who was no doubt ready to leave after she took so long to show up. Benny’s lips part slightly as he watches her shake hands with the man across from her. He didn’t think she’d come back considering how distraught she looked earlier, not to mention the harsh words he spat at her. Not that he’s sorry about them though. She left him without giving him a proper reason, didn’t speak to him for years and then says she’s sorry. He scoffs again just thinking about it. The worst part is that he still really wishes he knew why she left. Was it him? Did he do something? No, no he’s not going down that rabbit hole right now.

Benny is pulled out of his thoughts when the people around him start clapping and he turns his head back to the board only to see that Beth has won. After shaking hands with her opponent Beth stands up and joins him and Townes. “Who’s playing over there?” She asks them as she points to the table Josephine is sitting at, which is now surrounded by the people who were watching Beth’s match just a moment ago.

“Josephine Howard and William Burns.” Townes answers and Beth nods before she makes her way over. Townes follows after her and Benny takes a deep breath before following as well. If he’s completely honest he’s curious to see her play.

The three of them watch the match without speaking a word. Josephine starts out a little hesitant, while Burns confidently moves the pieces across the board. But as the game continues, Josephine gets more confident and Burns is taking longer and longer to decide what to do until he eventually has to admit defeat. The audience applauds as the two players shake hands, after which Burns immediately stands up and walks away.

Josephine remains seated as she keeps her eyes on the board. The people leave one by one until just Beth, Townes and Benny remain. Benny eyes are glued to the side of Josephine’s face. Watching her move the chess pieces around the board brought back memories from happier times, but he’s quickly pulled away from those memories when Beth speaks up. “That was impressive.”

Josephine shakes her head. “I could have beaten him a lot faster.” She says with a sigh, the disappointment clear in her voice. “He’s an average player at best.” She adds as her eyes leave the board for the first time since shaking hands with Burns and move to the empty chair across from her. “If it takes me this long to beat someone like him, this is going to be a long weekend. It never used to take me that long against people like him.”

“I thought you didn’t expect to perform like you used to.” Benny speaks up and Josephine’s head immediately turns to look at him. The look on her face tells Benny that she had no idea he was there.

“I don’t.” She answers. “But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.” She adds as she stands up, her eyes still on Benny. “So I hope you’re right about a few games being enough to get me back into it.”

She holds his gaze for a little longer, not quite believing that he stood there and watched her play. It’s a good thing she didn’t know, because it could have had an effect on the way she played. After what he said earlier she expected him to avoid her from now on, but it looks like she was wrong.

Benny continues to look at her even when she breaks their eye contact and looks down at the ground. “Well, I’m rarely wrong.” He says quietly, but Josephine hears him loud and clear.

*****

Beth and Josephine play, and win, two more rounds that day. Tomorrow there will be another two rounds and then on Sunday the final will be played. Beth easily won her games and Josephine seemed to get better with every move she made on the board.

It’s a little after dinner when Beth decides to take a walk in the garden of the hotel. The weather is still pretty awful, but it has stopped raining for the first time since she got here.

As she walks to the back of the garden she sees Josephine sitting on a bench as she stares at the fountain she’s sitting across from. Beth realises this is her chance to ask Josephine about Benny and makes her way over. “Do you mind if I join you?” She asks.

Josephine tenses up when she hears Beth’s voice. She was deep in thought, replaying a memory of several years ago when she sat on the edge of the fountain she was just looking at. “Not at all.” She gestures to the empty space next to her. “The bench is still a bit wet though.” She warns Beth, who shrugs and sits down anyway.

“A lot of people say it’ll be you and me in the final on Sunday.” Beth start, trying to find a way to dive into the subject of Josephine’s relationship with Benny. She watches the woman next to her, who hums at her words. “Benny seems to think so as well.”

This causes Josephine to sigh. “Benny has always seen more in me than there actually is.” The words leave her mouth before she has considered who she’s talking to. Beth is Benny’s friend, for all Josephine knows they’re more than friends, so she really shouldn’t be talking to Beth about this. “Forget I said that.” She shakes her head before looking at Beth with what she hopes is a convincing smile.

“Why?” Beth asks as she watches Josephine’s face closely for a reaction. She sees something shift behing Josephine’s eyes, but she doesn’t get an actual response. “You know, Benny won’t tell me anything about what caused the tension between the two of you.” She goes on and Josephine turns her head to look at the fountain again. “I’m not sleeping with him, if that’s the reason you won’t tell me.”

Josephine can’t deny that she feels relieved when she hears Beth’s words, but she’s quick to push that feeling away. She left him, he can sleep with whoever he wants, she reminds herself. “We dated and then we broke up.” She tells Beth. “That’s what happened.” She adds before standing up. “I should get some sleep. Goodnight, Beth.”

“Goodnight.” Beth answers as she accepts that she won’t get anything else out of Josephine. She’s not sure what she was expecting. She only met Josephine yesterday, of course she isn’t going to spill her whole backstory straight away.


	4. “Beth will win though.”

Josephine orders roomservice and has breakfast in her room the next morning to avoid another run in with Beth or Benny. Seeing Benny again would cause her to be less focused on her upcoming games and seeing Beth would no doubt mean talking about Benny, which would lead to the same result as seeing Benny. So avoiding both of them seems like the best option for now. She knows she won’t be able to do so forever. If she does manage to get back to her old level there will be more run ins with both Beth and Benny, not to mention interviews where they will no doubt ask about Benny and her relationship with him.

When they just started dating questions about her relationship with Benny used to make her blush and she would give the reporters coy answers as she looked down at her hands. As time went on she became more confident about herself and their relationship, she would smile at the reporters and throw them a bone in the form of a flirty little comment about Benny.

Benny himself never lacked confidence and had proudly addressed their relationship to any reporter that would listen. He never went into detail but he would openly compliment her in interviews, and not just on the way she played.

Josephine sighs as she pushes her still almost full plate away at the thought of interviews. She has always had the tendency to stop eating when something is bothering her, and the mere thought of having to explain why she disappeared from the chess world and why she was no longer with Benny made her feel nauseous.

She leaves her room to head down to the hall without finishing her breakfast. Unlike yesterday, she’s the first one to arrive at the table where she’ll be playing. Her eyes move around the room until they land on Benny, who makes his way into the room with two men, twins by the looks of it.

Seeing him reminds her of what he said yesterday after she apologised. She’s not upset with him about what he said. His words hurt, but she deserved it. A small part of her wishes she had never left him, but the rest of her mind keeps telling her it was for the best. Once he found out what happened he would have broken up with her anyway, so leaving really was the best option.

She’s grateful for what he did yesterday. For calming her down a little, but mostly for calling her a coward and reminding her that she didn’t use to be like this. Reminding her that she used to be strong. She wants to be like that again, she wants to try to be the girl she was when she beat the greatest players in the world without so much as a frown. So with that in mind she had made her way to the bathroom to clear away most of the evidence of how upset she was and made her way into the room with every intention of beating the guy sitting across from her.

It’s like Benny can feel her eyes on him, because he turns his head in her direction and they lock eyes. Josephine holds his gaze for a moment before looking down at the board in front of her, leaving Benny to stare at the side of her face as the twins continue to talk about the upcoming games.

Matt notices Benny’s silence first and nudges Mike, who is still rambling on. Mike gives him an annoyed glance, wondering why his story was interrupted like that, but his expression changes into one of understanding when Matt gestures at Benny and then at Josephine. “She played really well yesterday.” Mike says to Benny, who snaps out of his stare and looks back at the twins.

“It would be interesting to see her go up against Beth in the final.” Matt adds as he watches Benny’s face closely. After staying with Benny in New York to help Beth beat Borgov, the twins had taken a liking to Benny and they wonder what has their friend still so hung up over a girl he broke up with four years ago.

“Yeah.” Benny nods as he thinks about a final between the two women. “Beth will win though.” He adds, which causes the twins the frown. Josephine was a champion and Benny clearly thinks very highly of her skills, so why would he brush off the possibility of Josephine beating Beth so easily? “Josephine hasn’t played in a long time and she needs a lot more practice than a few games against these second rate players if she wants to beat Beth.” He answers their silent question. “But once she’s back at her old level it’ll be a close call between the two of them.” He goes on as his eyes drift back to Josephine, who is still sitting at the table by herself.

The twins nod in understanding as their eyes move to Josephine as well until all three of them are startled by Beth. “Good morning, boys.” She greets them happily, but frowns once she notices that they all seemed pretty deep in thought. “What were you looking at?” She asks curiously.

“Nothing.” Benny says immediately as he shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans and regains his usual demeanour, which only causes Beth’s frown to deepen. “You should get to your game before the poor guy decides to start your clock so you’ll have less time to beat him.” He sends her one of his half grins as he tilts his head in the direction of the table where she’ll be playing.

*****

Josephine sighs and closes her eyes as she leans back in her chair after shaking hands with her last opponent of the day. She won all her games again, which means she’ll be playing the final tomorrow. It’s a little hard to believe that she’ll be playing her first final in four years. Especially considering the fact that she almost left before her first game even started.

“Looks like it’ll be you and me tomorrow.” Beth’s voice suddenly sounds across from her and she opens her eyes to see the redhead standing behind the chair her opponent sat on. “I don’t think there’s ever been an all female final in the US before.” Beth continuous as she sits down across from Josephine. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you about Benny anymore.” She adds when she sees the slightly uncomfortable look on Josephine’s face. “And I’m sorry about last night. What happened between the two of you is none of my business.”

After last night’s encounter Beth realised that pushing Josephine for information while they barely knew each other was a pretty terrible tactic. Besides, she actually thinks it might be nice to get to know Josephine. Not because of her past with Benny, but because they are the only two women in the male world of chess and it would actually be nice to talk to a girl at these tournaments every once in a while.

“It’s okay.” Josephine says before she sighs as she looks at her hands, which are resting on the table. “I’m sorry if I was a little cold last night.” She apologises as she slowly looks back up at Beth. “This weekend has been more emotional than I thought it would be.”

“You don’t have to apologise.” Beth smiles slightly. She has a feeling that Josephine’s disappearance was caused by something serious and she’s all too familiar with carrying a problem all by yourself. “I know the feeling.” She adds.

Josephine can tell Beth isn’t just saying it. She actually means it and it makes Josephine wonder what Beth went through that she can understand the feeling. But if Beth is willing to accept her secrecy than she’s willing to accept Beth’s. The two women seem to come to a silent understanding as they sit there. They’ve both faced their problems in life and even though they don’t know what the other went through, they respect that they've found their way back.


	5. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Everyone is already gathered around the table in the middle of the room when Beth and Josephine step into the room. It’s not a very big tournament so there aren’t that many people, but it’s still a decent turnout. There’s even a reporter there, who snaps a picture of the two women as they make their way to the table.

Another picture is taken when they shake hands before sitting down. Everyone’s eyes lock onto the board when the clock is started and Beth, who plays with white, makes the first move. Benny doesn’t register anything other than the moves on the board as the game unfolds. The game lasts longer than any of the others that were played during the tournament, but eventually there’s no other choice for Josephine but to admit defeat.

Benny’s eyes move from the board to Josephine’s face when he realises she has lost. He watches her closely as she takes a deep breath before removing her eyes from the board and holding out her hand to Beth, who takes it with a nod of her head.

The other people applaud but Benny just watches the two women in front of him as Josephine congratulates Beth with a grace he didn’t expect after seeing her so frustrated when she beat Burns the first day of the tournament. His mind momentarily drifts back to when he last sat across from her at a final. He had won that time and he recalls how he pulled her in when the reporters had all left. Just before he kissed her he had teasingly muttered ‘better luck next time’ against her lips, but that next time never came.

*****

“Josephine, wait!” A voice calls out to Josephine as she is about to get in the elevator to go up to her room. She puts her hand on the door to stop it from closing before looking over her shoulder to see Beth standing there. “We’re having a few drinks in the hotel bar.” Beth starts. “I was wondering if you’d like to join us?”

“Oh.” Josephine is taken aback by the invitation and takes her hand off the elevator door to let it close. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” She says as she fully turns to face Beth. She’s pretty sure that Benny won’t want her there and she doesn’t know the other people she has seen Beth with, so she has no idea if they will want her around. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not intruding, I’m inviting you.” Beth assures her. “Matt and Mike really want to meet you and Townes won’t mind.” She goes on. “And I’ve asked Benny as well. He said it was fine.” Beth finally adds, hoping this will be the final push Josephine needs. She can tell the other woman is still not sure. “Look, there aren’t many women at these tournaments and it would be nice to talk to someone other than the boys for a change.” Beth opens up about the real reason she would like Josephine to join.

Beth’s admission causes Josephine to lock eyes with the redhead. She would like to get to know Beth as well, but being around Benny is a bad idea and the two seem to be a package deal. If _he_ finds out she’s spending time with Benny it could cause problems. Benny doesn’t play many tournaments though and it would be nice to spend time with Beth at tournaments, so she decides to give in. “Okay.”

Beth smiles at her and the two of them make their way to the hotel bar where the others are already waiting. The twins get up from their seats to greet Josephine as soon as they spot the two women. “We used to follow all your games, Josephine.” Matt tells her a he reaches out to shake her hand. “I’m Matt by the way.”

“Yeah, especially your finals against Benny over there.” Mike adds as he sticks out his hand to shake hers as soon as Matt has let go. “I’m Mike.” He adds and Josephine quietly thanks them for their kind words.

Townes patiently waits for the twins to stop gushing over her before he stands up to shake her hand as well. “Townes.” He simply tells her and she responds with a quiet ‘nice to meet you’. He can tell that she’s uncomfortable and he assumes it’s because of Benny, who hasn’t said a word yet even though he has been watching her since she reached their table.

When Josephine’s eyes meet Benny’s she sends him a nod and a slight smile before taking the seat Matt gestures to. Benny nods in return before his eyes move to the beer in front of him. He’s not sure how to feel about this. After he snapped at her earlier this weekend he has being feeling a little less angry at Josephine for leaving, but there are too many unanswered question for him to just forgive and forget. He just doesn’t know how to act around her anymore and now Beth wants to be friends with her, which means that he will have to see her more often.

They all order drinks and the twins keep the conversation going, but after they’ve addressed Josephine by her full name for the third time she stops them. “Please call me Jo.” She tells them with a kind smile that seems to be the first genuine one of the weekend. “Only my father calls me Josephine, and only when he’s angry.”

“How is he?” Benny speaks up for the first time after she says this and she looks up to meet his eyes. He likes the man and it was nice to have a father figure around for a change.

“He uh, he’s okay.” Josephine answers as her eyes move to the wall behind Benny. “You know how he got after mom passed away.” She says and he nods. Benny remembers it all too well. “There hasn’t been much change.” She tells him.

Benny stays silent as he waits for her to make eye contact with him again. He knows she will, because she always avoided looking him in the eye when she had to talk about something she found difficult and she always returned her eyes to him once she got the words out. This time is no different and he holds her gaze as he answers. “I’m sorry to hear that.” He says softly, but the others have gone silent, so she hears him loud and clear.

Josephine sends him a watery smile and Benny feels a slight pain in his chest as he sees how much it hurts her, but she’s quick to look away from him again. He frowns when she does. Maybe he's not the only one who doesn't know how to act. “Well that completely ruined the mood.” Josephine tries to lighten the mood as she forces a smile on her face and stands up. “Can I get anyone another drink?”


	6. “So she’s back in New York then.”

Josephine leaves early the next morning. It had been nice to talk to Beth and the others the night before and with Benny on the other side of the group she didn’t have much interaction with him after the question he asked about her father. She stayed longer than she planned to, which means that she hasn’t slept all that much and she has a long trip ahead of her. Luckily she won’t be driving herself, but sitting in a bus for hours isn’t exactly her idea of fun either.

As she makes her way down to the lobby with her suitcase, she thinks back to the long car rides with Benny. If the trip was 12 hours or less they always drove instead of taking a plane. They would play chess and talk about everything and nothing in the car. When the elevator doors open she shakes her head with a sigh as she tries to shove the memories to the back of her mind.

When she steps into the lobby and starts to walk to the reception, she’s surprised to see Benny standing there. He seems to be checking out as well, which is strange because she’s not sure she has ever seen him leave a tournament this early in the morning.

Benny is just as surprised as Josephine when he sees her as he turns to walk away from the reception. “Leaving already?” He asks as his eyes move to her suitcase before coming back up to her face. When they were together they didn’t leave before 10 in the morning and it’s only 8 now. He was actually hoping to avoid seeing her by leaving early.

“Yeah.” Josephine nods. “I have a bus to catch.” She adds and her eyes find his. She’s not sure if she should keep the conversation going or if she should just go her own way. “I should check out.” She says after a moment of silence.

Benny nods and moves out of her way. “You don’t want to miss your bus.” He says casually as he swings his car keys around on his finger. “Have a safe trip.” He adds as he walks towards the exit.

*****

Josephine takes a deep breath of New York air when she finally gets off the bus. It was a long trip and she’s happy to be back in the city that has become her home once again. She grew up in New Jersey and moved to New York when she moved in with Benny. She had fallen in love with the city over the years that they lived there, but when she left Benny she also left New York.

She moved back a few months ago, but has so far carefully avoided any of the place she used to frequent with Benny. It’s not even that she doesn’t want to see him, it’s more about what will happen when they’re seen together, about what will happen when _he_ hears she’s been seen around Benny.

Now is not the time to think about that though, so she gets her suitcase and heads in the direction of the subway to get to her apartment. New York is expensive so she shares an apartment with Gina, a girl she had met a became friends with when she first moved to New York with Benny. Gina was probably her only friend outside the chess world and Josephine is beyond grateful that she was willing to share an apartment with her. Gina had been begging Josephine to move back to the city and when her old flatmate moved out she offered the vacant room to Josephine.

Gina isn’t the one that greets her when she steps into the apartment though. There’s a man on the couch, a man she recognises instantly as Hilton Wexler. A decent chess player, but more importantly a good friend of Benny. “Jo, hey.” Hilton says when he sees her walk in. He looks uncomfortable, clearly unsure how to act around the ex of one of his closest friends. It never used to be this awkward between them. Hilton wasn’t just Benny’s friend, he used to be hers as well, but he had known Benny first so after the break up they didn’t speak anymore.

“Hi.” Josephine says as she places her suitcase down. “It’s been a long time, Hilton. How have you been?” She tries to sound casual, but everything comes out forced. What she really wants to asks is why he’s there in her apartment, but that really can’t be the first question she asks him in four years.

“I’m good.” He nods. “Just here to get Gina. We’re going out.” He gestures to one of the two bedrooms where Gina is probably getting ready. “She said you were out of town for a tournament. Does that mean you’re coming back?” He asks and she’s pretty sure she sees a hint of excitement on his face as he says it.

“I’m trying to.” She says as she takes off her coat and hangs it by the door. “I got my ass kicked by Beth Harmon in the final though.” She sighs as she walks further into the room and sits down on a chair as the awkwardness slowly seems to leave the room.

“You played Beth?” Hilton raises his eyebrows. “I would have loved to have seen that.” He mutters. “Wait if you were at the same tournament as Beth that means you saw-“ He trails off, not sure if he should same Benny’s name around her.

“Benny?” Josephine asks and Hilton nods as he sends her an apologetic smile. “You can say his name, Hilton. It’s fine.” She assures him with a smile of her own. “Yes, I saw him and we spoke. It was awkward, but not as bad as I expected it to be.” She tells him honestly.

Hilton seems to relax as he sees how she’s taking it. “That’s good.” He nods. “I mean, if you’re getting back into chess you’ll probably run into each other quite a bit so it’s good that it wasn’t too bad.” He expands and Josephine nods.

Any further chance at conversation is put to a stop when Gina steps out of her room. “Okay, I’m ready.” She smiles at Hilton, who gestures to the chair Josephine is sitting on. “Oh you’re back.” Gina says as she turns to face her flatmate. “Hilton and I were just going out.” Gina sends her an apologetic smile. “You can join us if you want.” She offers.

“No, no.” Josephine shakes her head. “Go out. I need to wash off the bus ride and then replay my last game so I can get mad at myself for every mistake I made.” She half jokes as she stands up and gives Gina a brief hug. “You have some explaining to do.” She whispers in Gina’s ear, because her flatmate had definitely neglected to tell her she was seeing Hilton. “It was nice seeing you again.” Josephine smiles at Hilton when she pulls away from Gina, who blushes slightly at Josephine’s earlier words.

*****

The next day Hilton is sitting across from Benny as they play a game of chess. He’s not sure if he should tell Benny about seeing Josephine or not and it’s not doing his chess any good. “Alright, what’s going on?” Benny asks when he has beaten Hilton for the fifth time in a row. “You’re distracted.” He adds as he leans back against the pillows in the corner of his apartment. He can tell something is bothering his friend just by the way he’s playing.

“It’s nothing.” Hilton tries to brush it off, but Benny raises his eyebrows at him and he gives in. “I saw Josephine yesterday.” He sighs. “She’s living with Gina.” He adds as he watches Benny’s face. Benny manages to keep his expression under control, but Hilton sees a flash of emotion pass behind his friend’s eyes.

“So she’s back in New York then.” Benny mutters more to himself than Hilton. Benny’s not sure how to feel about Josephine being back in the city. He was the one who introduced her to New York all those years ago. He showed her around and took he to all his favourite places and it just feels wrong that she’s in New York but not with him. It just doesn’t make sense that she could be walking the streets of his city right now without sharing a bed with him.

“Yeah.” Hilton nods slowly as he tries to gauge how Benny is feeling. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you.” He says. “She said you saw each other this weekend and that it wasn’t that bad. Is that true or was she just saying that so things wouldn’t get awkward?” He asks.

“I’m not sure how she experienced it.” Benny shrugs. “I snapped at her though.” He admits to Hilton, who doesn’t look surprised. Benny had been bottling up all his feelings since she left, so it was bound to come out at some point. Hilton is just about to speak up, but Benny clearly wants to move on so he beats him to it. “So you and Gina, what’s going on there?”


	7. “Looks like you could use an opponent.”

Hilton shows up at Josephine and Gina’s apartment quite regularly now that Josephine knows about their relationship. She has gotten used to coming home to Hilton and Gina on the couch, Gina tucked into Hilton’s side as they chat away. But as she steps into the apartment now she is faced with Hilton standing over the game of chess she left on the coffee table.

She usually keeps the board in her room, because Gina isn’t all that interested, but yesterday evening Gina had asked Josephine to show her the basics of chess. Gina had come back from spending the evening with Hilton, Arthur and Benny, and it had made her feel stupid that she couldn’t even tell when someone was winning. So when she came home slightly tipsy from the wine she had consumed while the boys played she wanted Josephine to teach her a thing or two so she wouldn’t feel as left out anymore.

Josephine doesn’t think any of what she told Gina last night stuck, but it had been fun to talk to her friend about chess. Something she hadn’t been able to do with the people around her since she left four years ago. Her dad tried, but he wasn’t able to keep up with her and she didn’t feel like talking about chess for a long time anyway. It just reminded her of what she had left behind and of what happened.

“Hey.” Hilton turns his head to smile at her as he notices her come in. “Is this a game from the last tournament?” He asks as he gestures to the board.

Josephine chuckles and briefly glances at Gina who is standing in the kitchen. Gina sends her a look that tells Josephine not to mention anything to Hilton about her being interested in chess. “No, this just sort of happened last night.” She tells Hilton.

Hilton nods as his eyes move back to the board. “It’s not like you to leave a game unfinished.” He says as he takes a seat on the couch, his eyes still on the game.

Josephine hums as she takes off her coat and hangs it at the coat rack before she makes her way to the coffee table as well. “I’ve been playing myself for so long that it’s starting to get a bit boring.” She admits as she looks down at the board as well.

Her admission causes Hilton to look up at her with a sympathetic look. He doesn’t know what caused Josephine to break all her ties with the chess world four years ago, but the idea that she has just been playing by herself makes him a little sad as he thinks back of all the games they played against each other. And especially all the games she played against Benny while Hilton and Arthur watched with great interest. “Looks like you could use an opponent.” Hilton says.

It’s not a statement but an offer, and one Josephine greatly appreciates. Her eyes move from the board to Hilton, who smiles slightly when he sees the glint in her eye. She doesn’t say anything, but she sits down on the floor at the other side of the table and they silently start to place the pieces into their starting positions.

*****

Josephine and Hilton play several games that night and the one after that. They talk about tactics and games played by the legends just like they always used to do. He forgot what it was like to play her, how addictive it is to try and beat her, to try and understand how her mind works, but never succeed. It only feels like that when he’s playing really great players like Benny and Beth, and he can’t believe he forgot for a moment that Josephine is part of that list as well.

On the third night Gina demands that they have dinner without any talk about chess before Hilton and Josephine dive back into a game afterwards. Josephine tells the two to have dinner without her, wanting the couple to have some time together because she feels a little bad for keeping Hilton occupied the past two nights. She takes her plate into her room where she eats while finishing an article she’s writing for a small newspaper. It’s a way for her to earn a bit of money until she can make a living playing chess again, and she actually quite likes writing.

After dinner Hilton asks if she would like to play speed chess. He’s supposed to meet up with Arthur and Benny at Benny’s later tonight, but he figures he has time for a few games before he has to go. Several games later Hilton curses when he glances at the clock. “What is it?” Josephine asks.

“I was supposed to meet the guys twenty minutes ago.” Hilton tells her with an apologetic look on his face. He still feels a little awkward mentioning Benny around Josephine. “I should get going.”

“Go.” Josephine sends him a smile. “It’s fine.” She adds as she stands up from her position on the floor. “When you want to get your ass kicked you know where to find me.” She jokes and Hilton chuckles before he reaches out to hug her. It’s the first time in four years that he has done that and Josephine hugs him back tightly, enjoying the familiar feeling.

It makes her feel a little emotional and she’s glad that Hilton turns away from her to kiss Gina, because it gives her a moment to blink away the tears.

*****

Benny and Arthur look up from their game when there’s a knock on the door. Benny is the one that heaves himself off the floor and makes his way to the door to open it. “Look who decided to show up.” He says with a smirk as he opens the door to reveal Hilton.

Arthur smirks as well as he watches Hilton and Benny make their way towards him. “Did your girlfriend keep you busy?” He teases Hilton as Benny sits down again with a chuckle.

They both expect Hilton to blush, but he doesn’t. He just awkwardly looks around and not because he’s embarrassed by their teasing. “Yeah.” He forces a chuckle as he walks to the kitchen to get a drink. After seeing Benny’s reaction to finding out Josephine was living in the city again, he hadn’t brought Josephine up around his friend again.

Arthur and Benny frown and share a glance at Hilton’s strange response and when Hilton turns around to walk back he’s met with two questioning stares. “Are you okay?” Arthur asks. “Did something happen with Gina?” He tries to guess.

Hilton shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. “What’s going on, man?” Benny presses and Hilton sighs as he looks down at the bottle in his hand.

“I uh, got caught up playing speed chess.” He admits as his eyes move to Benny. Arthur frowns as he wonders who Hilton could have been playing, but Benny immediately knows.

“With Jo.” Benny says as his eyes move to a point behind Hilton, the nickname once again falling from his lips before he realises. Of course it makes sense that Hilton spends time with Josephine considering the fact that she lives with Hilton’s girlfriend, and rationally Benny knew that Hilton might play chess with Josephine, but it still surprises him somehow. The thought that Josephine is playing chess in New York without him in the same room stings.

“Wait.” Arthur says as he looks from Hilton to Benny and back. “Jo is back?” He asks, the confusion clear in his voice.

Benny doesn’t say anything, his mind still on the fact that Josephine is somewhere in his city playing noncompetitive chess with someone other than him, so Hilton figures he should explain the situation to Arthur. “She lives with Gina.” He tells their confused friend. “And she’s getting back into competitive chess.”

Arthur nods slowly before moving his eyes from Hilton to Benny, unsure if he should ask his next question with Benny in the room because he knows how it broke Benny when she left but he decides to go for it anyway. “Does she still play like she used to?” He asks Hilton.

Hilton hesitates for a moment, but when he sees that Benny’s eyes move back to him to hear the answer as well he speaks up. “Yeah.” He breaths out. “She said she didn’t play her best at the tournament, but she’s definitely getting back to her old form. I haven’t won a single game.”

“Maybe-“ Benny starts slowly as he looks down at the board in between him and Arthur. “we should invite her for a night of chess.” He has been thinking about Josephine a lot since Hilton told him she was back in New York. The fact that she lives with Hilton’s girlfriend means that he will most likely run into her at some point, and he has come to the conclusion that he wants to be in control of when that happens. She made the opening move at that tournament, so the next move has to be his.


	8. “She’s had a hard time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proofread this, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes...

“I told Benny that Jo and I have been playing chess.” Hilton says to Gina when they’re hanging out a few days later. Josephine is at a small tournament in Jersey for the weekend, so they have the apartment to themselves. Gina sits up from her position of leaning against him as soon as the words leave his mouth.

“You did?” She asks and he nods in response. Gina can tell from his facial expression that there’s more to this. “How did he react?” She wonders as she turns around on the couch so she’s fully facing him. Hilton told her how hard Benny took it when Josephine left and she’s not sure how he would take this news.

Hilton reaches out to take her hand as he frowns slightly. “Not like I expected him to.” He tells her. “He wants to invite her over for a night of chess.” He says hesitantly, still a little confused by Benny’s reaction himself. “Do you think Jo would want that?”

“I doubt it.” Gina mutters as she looks down at their joined hands. She knows what caused Josephine to leave four years ago and she really wants to tell Hilton, but she promised she would keep it to herself. She believes that Josephine shouldn’t have left. Gina is sure that if Josephine had just told Benny about what happened they could have worked things out, but Josephine is still convinced that Benny would be disgusted by her if he found out what happened. “Look, Jo left for a very serious reason.” She tells Hilton as she looks back up at him. “And I don’t agree with how she handled it, but hanging out with Benny again isn’t really an option in her mind.”

Hilton watches her closely as he takes in her words. “You know what happened.” He states and Gina nods as her eyes move away from his again. “Benny drove himself crazy because he didn’t understand why she left and all this time you knew?” He tone is accusing and Gina tightens her grip on his hand as she feels it slipping from her grasp. He understands that she’s Josephine’s friend, but she knew how hard it was on Benny and Hilton can’t believe she just watched Benny fall apart.

“I didn’t know back then.” Gina assures him as she looks back up at him and Hilton’s eyes soften as he sees that her eyes are slightly watery. “If I had I would have tried to convince her to talk to him about it.” She goes on as Hilton slowly rubs his thumb over her knuckles to clam her down, but he’s not sure what else to do because he doesn’t understand why this is making her so emotional. “What happened to her was really awful, Hilton. But she only made it worse for herself by leaving. If she had just told Benny he could have helped her, but she’s convinced that if he finds out what happened he will hate her.” She sniffles as she thinks back to how she found out what happened.

Hilton reaches out to pull her into his chest, rubbing one of his hands over her back to comfort her. “When did you find out?” He asks softly as he feels her arms wrap around him in return.

“About eight months after she left.” Gina mutters against the fabric of his shirt. “I went to see her in Jersey because I hadn’t heard from her in a pretty long time. When I got there she hadn’t eaten in ages and she looked like she hadn’t slept in days.” She sniffles slightly as she the image of how awful Josephine looked back then comes back to her. “She hated herself after what happened, sometimes she still gets like that but it’s a lot less than it used to be.”

“I’m sorry.” Hilton mutters against the top of her head. He’s not sure what to say. He still doesn’t know what happened, but it sounds really serious and he wishes there was something he could have done back then.

*****

Hilton decides that it’s best to avoid the topic of inviting Josephine for a night of chess for as long as possible, but Arthur seems to think differently because he brings it up the night after Hilton and Gina talked about it. “Have you talked to Jo about joining us for a few games?” Arthur asks as they sit around at Benny’s.

“No, she’s out of town for a tournament.” He tries to brush it off. After last night he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to invite Josephine right now. It could cause her to fall back into her previous pattern of not eating or sleeping and he doesn’t want to do that to her. After all the nights he has spent playing chess with her and talking to her, he has once again realised how nice it is to have her as a friend and the last thing he wants is for her to disappear again.

“What tournament?” Benny asks as he takes a sip of his drink. He knows there are no bigger tournaments this weekend, so she must be at one of the smaller ones. Those tournaments are obviously below her, but she probably just wants to get back into the swing of playing games against different opponents.

“A small one in Jersey.” Hilton answers as he glances up at Benny. “She wants to play as many games as she can before she has to face any big player again.” He explains what Benny already assumed.

“All the more reason for her to join us.” Arthur says. He got along really well with Josephine. She was always up for a chess problem and the two of them could spend ages discussing the problem if one of them came up with a different solution. “Just playing against you must get boring.” He jokes as he looks over at Hilton.

Benny chuckles, but Hilton once again doesn’t join in. He’s thinking of the best way to tell the guys that it’s not a good idea to invite Josephine. “I don’t think it’s a great idea to invite her right now.” He starts hesitantly as he looks at the board on Benny’s sad excuse for a coffee table. “She’s had a hard time and I think she needs a little longer to adjust to everything.” He tries to explain.

“She’s had a hard time?” Benny frown as he leans forward, his elbow resting on his knees and his hands wrapped around the beer bottle in his hand. “She had a hard time?” He repeats as his grip on the bottle tightens. “She’s the one that left, Hilton.” The words come out harsh and his jaw clenches. “And now I’m supposed to feel sorry for her?” He asks exasperated as he looks at Hilton.

“That’s not what I meant, Benny.” Hilton sighs as he looks at his friend. “All I’m saying is that you don’t know what she’s been through and that she has only just returned to New York, so we should give her some time to settle in.” He tries again.

Benny studies Hilton for a moment, wondering why he’s suddenly defending Josephine. “There’s something you’re not saying.” He mutters as he continues to stare at Hilton, who’s expression becomes more nervous when Benny says this. “You know.” Benny breathes out after a moment of silence as he leans back in his chair, shocked by the idea that Hilton knows but won’t tell him. “You know what happened, why she left.”

Hilton immediately shakes his head. “No, I don’t.” He tells Benny. “I’m still just as clueless about that as you. All I know is that it was something bad and that she was in such a bad state that Gina barely recognised her when she saw her a few months after she left.”

Arthur’s eyes shift from Hilton to Benny to see how he will react. He sees the look on his friends face soften slightly and Arthur feels for Benny, because it’s clear that even after all this time he still cares about Josephine. “Does Gina know what happened?” Benny asks, his voice softer now but his eyes still locked on Hilton’s.

Hilton looks away and nods. “She won’t tell me though.” He immediately adds as he looks back at Benny. “She promised Jo that she wouldn’t say anything. Gina thinks Jo handled it wrong. She told me that if Jo had stayed and talked to you about it, it would have taken time but things would have worked out.” He explains to Benny. “But Jo was convinced that you would break up with her if you found out anyway, so she left before you could.”

Benny’s eyes drift away from Hilton as he takes in his words. Why would Josephine think he would break up with her? He loved her and she loved him, at least that’s what he thought. He would have done anything for her and he can’t imagine that there’s anything she could have done that he wouldn’t forgive her for. The only thing that could be bad enough for him to break up with her would be if she cheated on him, but he refuses to believe she would have done that. She would never do that. Right?


	9. “You have to stop blaming yourself.”

“Hey.” Gina says when Josephine steps through the door with her suitcase. “How did it go?” She asks her friend, curious to hear how she did at the tournament she was at.

Josephine smiles as she takes off her coat. “I won.” She tells Gina as she walks towards her and lets herself fall onto the couch. “Which was to be expected, but I got some useful practice as well.” She adds.

“That’s great, Jo. Congrats.” Gina smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She feels like she should tell Josephine about the things she discussed with Hilton, but her friend seems so happy right now and he doesn’t want to ruin that. “Why don’t I make us some tea.” Gina suggests to give herself a little more time.

“Are you alright?” Josephine asks as she watches her friend get up and walk to the kitchen in the corner of their living room. Having known Gina for so long, she can tell when something’s going on and right now the look on Gina’s face is enough to tell her that something’s off. “Did something happen?”

“Not really.” Gina sighs and fills up the kettle before placing it on the stove. She bites her lip as she turns around to face Josephine. “But Benny knows you moved back to the city and that you’ve been playing chess with Hilton.” She spills in one breath after another questioning look from Josephine.

It stays silent for a moment. “Oh.” Is all Josephine says as Gina’s words sink in. She expected Benny to find out about her moving back. It was inevitable really now that Gina and Hilton were dating, so she’s not that surprised. “Well, he was going to find out eventually.” She shrugs as she relaxes back into the couch, but when she looks at Gina she tenses up again. “But that’s not all, is it?”

Gina shakes her head. “He wants to invite you over for a night of chess.” She admits. “I already told Hilton that it would be a bad idea.” She immediately adds when she sees the look on Josephine’s face change.

Josephine nods, an unreadable look on her face. “Wait.” She breaths out as her eyes snap up to Gina’s. “You didn’t tell him why, right?” She asks her friend. If Gina told Hilton it’s only a matter of time before Benny will know and then leaving four years ago will have been for nothing.

“No, no, of course not.” Gina says quickly as she moves towards Josephine. “I just told him that it’s not a good idea for you and Benny to hang out after everything that happened.” She says as she sits down next to Josephine. “And that you had a really hard time after the breakup.” She adds and bites her lip again as she waits for Josephine to respond.

Josephine isn’t looking at Gina anymore, but stares at the wall on the other side of the room. She’s pretty sure that Hilton told Benny everything he discussed with Gina, after all those two boys always discussed everything together. Benny can’t find out, she would rather have him hate her for leaving him without a proper reason than hate her for what happened.

Gina watches Josephine closely, but she doesn’t get a reaction. The kettle starts to whistle as the water boils, but neither of them pays attention to it. “You know, it might not be so bad if Benny finds out what happened.” She starts carefully, but Josephine scoffs and shakes her head in response. “It wasn’t your fault, Jo. Benny will see that too.” Gina says. “You have to stop blaming yourself.”

Josephine squeezes her eyes shut as she shakes her head once again. She whispers more to herself than to Gina. “I knew how much he hated Benny, I should have seen it coming.” Even with her eyes closed a few tears escape. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have stayed, I should have left the minute the room started emptying out.” She goes on as Gina shakes her head.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Gina tries again. They’ve had this discussion before and every time they do it’s like Josephine disappears in her own head and can’t even hear Gina anymore. This time is no different as Josephine shuts down and it’s like Gina is talking to a brick wall. All it does is leave both of them upset for the next few days.

*****

Benny finds himself buying a New Jersey newspaper at a stand a few blocks from his house. He tells himself it’s a coincidence that he stumbled upon it and that it has nothing to do with the fact that he took a different route home because he knows this stand has local newspapers from places around New York, but deep down he knows better. He manages to stop himself from flipping through it until he gets home, but once he has taken his coat off he spreads the newspaper out on the table and flips through it in search of an article about the chess tournament of that weekend.

He finds it on page six. It’s a short article, which is no surprise considering that it’s only a small tournament, but it tells him everything he needs to know. ‘Josephine Howard, twenty-six, won the final in less than 30 moves.’ A sense of pride fills his chest as he reads that she won every game she played.

He’s quick to catch himself, however, and shakes his head as if he can physically get rid of the feeling. With a deep sigh he sits down at the table, wondering why he’s doing this to himself. It’s been four years. Why can’t he just forget about her an move on? _Because you still love her_ a small voice in the back of his mind responds and he groans as he rests his head in his hands.

When he lifts his head back up his eyes find the telephone. He knows Gina and Hilton are out tonight, so if he calls Gina’s number Josephine will be the one to pick up. His fingers flex on the table as he tries to decide if he should call. He wants to talk to her, that’s one thing he’s sure about. After all, she has been the only thing on his mind since he saw her at that tournament.

Every street he walks on seems to bring back a memory of when they were a couple. He can’t touch a chess piece without picturing her sitting across from him, preferably biting her lip in concentration. It had been like this just after she left as well. He couldn’t do anything without being reminded of her. Over time that had become less and he was only hit by a memory if a place or activity was really significant to them, but now the memories are back in full force. And every time they show up he’s faced with the fact that even after four years he still really fucking misses her.

Hilton’s words echo in his mind along with the memories. The sentences ‘she’s had a hard time' and ‘you don’t know what she’s been through’ are on repeat all the time. He wants to know what happened, but if the last few weeks have made one thing clear to him it’s that he wants to have her back in his life even more.

It’s clear that she still doesn’t want him to know what happened and he wonders if it’s an option to have her back in his life without finding out what happened. He wonders if he’ll be able to live like that or if having a secret that big between them will tear them apart.

Benny finds himself reaching for the phone and dialling Gina’s number. It’s probably a bad idea,but he’ll drive himself crazy if he doesn’t talk to her about what’s going through his mind right now. Besides, it’s just a phone call. How bad of an idea could it really be?


	10. “I know you, Jo.”

Josephine looks up from the board in front of her with a frown when the phone rings. The phone rarely rings in their apartment and when it does it’s usually Hilton or one of Gina’s friends. But Hilton is out with Gina and from the phone conversation she heard part of earlier that evening she could make out that Gina’s friends knew about her being out tonight as well. So who could be calling?

She reluctantly gets up from where she was sitting on the floor by the coffee table to pick up the phone. “Hello?” She asks wondering who it could be as she makes her way back to her previous spot, her eyes already focussing back on the board.

“Hey.” A familiar voice breaths out on the other end of the line and Josephine’s breath catches in her throat. Of all the people that could have called it just had to be him. He must know Hilton and Gina are out tonight, which means he called to talk to _her_. Knowing that causes a familiar warmth to spread through her chest, a warmth that was almost constantly there when they were together, but it also brings a wave of anxiety. What does he want to talk to her about?

“Benny.” Her voice sounds just as breathless as his and Benny closes his eyes for a moment as he tries to picture her there in the apartment with him. Just listening to her breathing on the other end of the line is enough for him to imagine her being here with him. They’re both silent for a moment until Josephine can’t take it anymore and speaks up. “Gina’s not here.” She lets him know.

“I know.” Benny says as he opens his eyes. The words have left his mouth before he can stop them and he curses himself for admitting that he’s specifically calling to talk to her. His eyes move around the room as he tries to come up with a reason for the call that won’t give away how much he misses her, and it hits him when he sees the newspaper still open on the table. “I, uh, heard you were at a tournament this weekend. How did it go?” He asks as if he didn’t just buy a newspaper to find the answer to that question.

Josephine is taken aback once more, not expecting him to call about the tournament. She was afraid he was calling to asks why she wouldn’t accept his invite or why she still refuses to tell him why she left, so the subject of chess is surprising but welcome. After all, chess is familiar territory for both of them. “It went pretty well. I won.” She tells him as she relaxes slightly now that the conversation has taken this turn. “Not that it’s surprising. It was only a small tournament and I wouldn’t even call the top players there average.”

Benny can’t help but smile slightly at her words. She always talks down her own accomplishments. The complete opposite of Benny himself in that regard, which is why a lot of people didn’t understand why they were together. “But you won.” He says and he can picture her shrugging. “And don’t shrug your shoulders at that. You can be proud of your accomplishments, you know.”

A slight blush appears on Josephine’s face as his words come through the line at the exact moment she shrugs. “How did you-“ She stops herself from finishing her sentence when she hears him chuckle.

“I know you, Jo.” He states as if they haven’t spend the past four years away from each other. The statement causes the warmth in her chest to spread even further, but it also causes her eyes to sting because they will never be able to go back to that. Benny feels the weight of his statement as well. A feeling of pride of still knowing her so well mixed with a feeling of pain from not having her with him anymore.

She clears her throat to get rid of the lump that was starting to form and picks up the conversation again to get rid of the newfound tension. “You didn’t see them play though.” She says as her free hand moves to a pawn by the side of the chess board in front of her. “They were really bad.”

But Benny isn’t having it. “Maybe they weren’t that bad, maybe you’re just that good.” He tells her as he leans back against the pillows behind him. “How was the final?” He asks as he gets comfortable.

Josephine smiles slightly as she thinks back to how the man sitting across from her at the final was sweating by the end of the game. “Let’s just say it reminded me of your theory on Caro-Kann.” She says and her smile grows when she hears him chuckle.

*****

It’s two hours later when Gina steps through the door of the apartment with Hilton. Josephine looks up from the game in front of her when she hears the door open, the phone still pressed to her ear as she was talking Benny through some of her games of that weekend. She hadn’t realised how long she’d been on the phone with him until just now. “Jo?” Benny’s voice sounds from the other side of the line as he wonders why she suddenly stopped talking.

“Uh, sorry.” She quickly says as Gina and Hilton take off their coats. “Gina and Hilton are back.” She states and Gina gives her a questioning look. Josephine looks down at the board to avoid Gina’s eyes.

“Oh.” Benny mutters. “I didn’t realise it was that late already.” He adds as his eyes move to the chess clock on his table. He doesn’t want to end the call, but judging by Josephine’s silence she doesn’t really want to continue their conversation with Gina and Hilton there to listen in. “Maybe we can continue this another time.” He suggests. “Because I would like to know how it ends.” He adds with a smirk.

His comment has the desired effect as it causes Josephine to let out a slight laugh. “Oh please.” She scoffs as her eyes move over the game in front of her. “If you can’t see where this is going you’ve officially lost your touch, Watts.” She blushes slightly when she realises how flirty her tone is, but it’s too late to take back now.

With her eyes still on the board, Josephine misses the shocked looks on Gina and Hilton’s faces. The couple exchanges a look before focusing back on Josephine and what they can hear from the conversation.

Benny’s smirk grows at her comment. “Don’t worry, I’ve still got it.” He assures her. “Goodnight, Jo.” His tone gentle as his smirk melts into a fond smile. It had been nice to talk to her. It brought him back to all the times they spent hours on the phone when one of them was at a tournament while the other stayed in New York, or even further back before they lived together and they spent hours talking through strategies and theories.

“Goodnight, Benny.” Josephine says quietly before she gets up from the floor to hang up the phone. Once the phone if back on the hook she is faced with curious glances from Gina and Hilton and a blush forms on her cheeks as she tries to think of a way to explain what just happened.

“So, Benny called?” Gina asks, even though the answer is obvious. Josephine nods as she turns to walk to the kitchen the make some tea. “What did he want to talk about?” She goes on as she sits down on the couch, but keeps a close eye on Josephine.

Hilton leans against the wall and he looks from Gina to Josephine as he wonders how this conversation will go. “He wanted to know how the tournament went.” Josephine says as she keeps her eyes on the kettle. “We were just talking through some of the games.” She shrugs.

“Any new insights?” Gina asks as she raises her eyebrows at her friend, who just shrugs. Part of Gina wants to tell Josephine that she can’t do this to Benny, that it’s cruel to give him hope like that only to crush it again once they actually come face to face with each other. From what Hilton told her she could make out that Benny still cares about Josephine. And Josephine might be her friend but so is Benny, and she doesn’t want him to get his heart broken all over again. “How long did you talk?”

Josephine sighs as the kettle starts to whistle. “I don’t know, a while.” She says as she glances at the clock and realises that it had been at least two hours. “We just talked about chess. It’s not a big deal.” She tries to brush it off as she pours some water in a mug. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an article to write.


End file.
